the big gamble

my roommate loves to gamble
he buys big sweep and 4D numbers
i've watched his endeavours with interest
to be honest, i've had hopes in him winning
(especially since i've a 50% share in his big sweep tickets)
the last count was 5 million Ringgit
which is quite a big sum
until i realized one thing

gamblers don't know the meaning of losing

see, people who gamble or bet or have stakes in something
(which basically means the same thing, and basiclaly means me)
always think of it as...
"hey, i didn't get it this time. let's try again"
and never...
"I LOST. why don't let's try something else."
like working, for instance
they see it as not winning or winning
and never the other extreme

see, my roommate hit on my sister before
to him it was a game of love
to me it was a gamble
he's bitter now, from unrequited "love"
though i see it as just bitter from "losing"

she didn't ask for it, he didn't expect it
that's the way gambling is anyway
not that he didn't put in effort
in the money he spent on the countless tickets he bought
nor the times he spent in a rumbling bus on the way back to my hometown
not that it isn't justified
just that it isn't fair to blame the institution
nor the girl who doesn't return the emotions

life isn't a gamble
there is always losses or winnings
and never the in-betweens
maybe i count myself lucky
i won once
do i choose water over wine
and spend my winnings on trivial pursuits
or invest it wisely?
this time i count myself forgiven
and use it to the best of my wisdom
which i hope i am doing

for she is the highest stake i have played without knowing it
and basking in the winnings is the hardest thing i have ever done
also without knowing it

ash

when you're haunted by your past your present doesn't really matter

someone told me a few days ago
"whenever i talk to you i still get that deep twisting feeling inside"
i wanted to tell her i felt the exact same way
it caught me by surprise because i blamed myself for feeling that way
the knowledge that she felt the same made me feel a little better
it doesn't mean anything, i don't hope for anything
i don't want to hope for anything and i don't want anything either

it's just a residue of the past
a learned behaviour brought upon by a conditioned stimulus
no one can help it, it's an automatic feeling
maybe that's how i feel mortal
and still alive

it starts with a sudden longing, a sadness of things gone by
the cognition of a time where once two shared one life
it goes from the head to the heart
tearing your emotions slowly
until it reaches a part in your chest
where you feel your heart start to contract
and contract and contract
until you can hardly breathe and you feel short of breath
an emotional pain so real you can really believe it's physical
when some poet started the phrase "you broke my heart"
i bet he really felt that way
no wonder the ancients thought that the heart stored the emotions
for it is there we feel the most pain




there are many times i have been gripped by this sudden contraction
a recognition of a familiar face
old photographs
an e-mail
an unplanned chat
an SMS
a short hello
an ex-girlfriend

to know you once had a life much different from now
not happier or sadder
but comfortable in a different sort of way
to try and recall
to dig deep for hidden memories
to think of intimate moments
and to think of how they ended
would all seem a dream if not for the crippling contraction in my chest that reminds me they were real
all real, very very real
and very very deep down in my past

when the fire dies down, all you have left are the ashes

caught in between the elephants

this is a time in my life where i am pulled in two directions

there is a part which has been earned over much time and effort
where much has been spent and much more sacrificed
many tears cried and much resolve to make things right
the achievement of a state i never thought i would regain
a state so comfortable and beautiful
which i once took for granted
and is once again in the temptation of being taken for granted once again

i could never have imagined i'd be able to come back to the place where i started
a state of innocence so beautiful

a wrong turn in the right direction

then there is another part which has been a thorn in the side
not so much a lesion but a passion
a yearning, suffering for what i know i should become
which ironically, i gave up innocence for
an elusive subject of my love which i never found
but now have
a subject of unrequited infatuation
who can only embody everything and everyone i ever wanted to be
so perfect
too perfect
finally revealed in a time a little too late

a right turn in the wrong direction

i have the mark of Two
firmly grasped in my left fist
half hidden from the world
another half a plain indication of who i have become

never thought that there would be the year of jubilee
in my lifetime, in my fervent waking hours
pulled in between two directions
should comfort be over hope
and ignorance be bliss
rather than to eat the fruit and be enlightened by sin

too much too little
crying tears of happiness
to be cruel to be kind

that's enough oxymorons for the day

no turnings left in the right direction.

The Law of Mortality

these are enlightened, albeit drunken thoughts
the difference between immortality and mortal life is summed up by this
"The Law of Mortality"

in it's essence, immortality is always the number "3"
and mortality "2"
one number is all that separates us from what we have always strived towards
or worshipped
or revered
and never understood
simple as it may be, one number is our greatest quest and our greatest failure
let me explain

in human life, there are only two extremes
in perfect opposition and in perfect balance
these two extremes constitute our reasoning of the world, and existence
even life itself
without these two extremes our mortal minds would cease to comprehend
to make sense of this paradox we call life
we may reason that life is either of each
but we can never fully achieve either
this is the greatest irony

yin and yang
good and evil
light and dark
male and female
God and Satan
cruel and kind
easy and hard
beautiful and ugly
strong and weak
heavy and light
attractive and repulsive
awake and asleep
knowledge and ignorance
wisdom and foolishness
life and death
square and round
advancement and regression
forward and backward
right and left
top and bottom
in and out
first and last
healthy and sick
hot and cold
dry and wet
drunk and sober

the reason why we stay mortal is the fact that we are caught somewhere in between these two extremes
we are never truly one of both
we are never truly "pure"
we are...human
and we strive not to be stuck in the middle
where confusion lies
where we are at the eye of the storm, waiting for the walls to close in
where we are at loss
where we become the rope in a divine tug-o-war
ironically we need to be in between these two extremes
it is our nature
it is what makes us human, who we are

immortality, however, is about the one element that we cannot grasp with our feeble intellect

God

in the faith i knew

the Triumvate
the Trinity
heaven-hell-EARTH
the Father, Son and Holy Ghost
birth-life-death
salvation-redemption-eternality

these are things that i will never understand

too bad.

what, they've made you mortal too?

narcolepsy

train of thought
nothing much...just
one of those days where i just want to wake up
the past few days all seem like a dream
like those moments in sleep where you know you're asleep
which is already the weird part
'cuz when you're dreaming you're not supposed to know you're asleep
but somehow you're conscious of the real world
and before you know it you open your eyes...and though you think it's only 2AM it's already 8 in the morning
and you realize you didn't catch a wink of sleep
and the rest of the day becomes the dream

it's surreal
i can't tell dreams from reality anymore
if i were to believe what they say...and that dreams are a extension of waking life
does that mean that waking life can be an extension of my dreams?
or rather...i'm living a dream in life itself
the sudden rush...the knowledge that everything seems so fake
not perfect but rather surreal
and that one day i'll wake up and realize i slept through a year
losing a whole year
it's so real
ironic that the realization i'm gonna wake up is more real than living life itself
is it a fact that the mind cannot process truth?
that we are all better off living a lie
a lie of denial and routine
a lie that life is just all about who we are

the same familiar faces
the same path i take to college
the same clothes i wear
the same pretty girls that walk by
the same things i own
the same work i do
the same obligations
the same commitments
the same recreations
the same thoughts
the same dreams
the same ambitions
the same feelings of "am i trying too hard here?"

bet you've heard this before
bet you think this is another intellectual discussion going on here...pointless as it may be
bet you think...not another nutcase, or
"you think too much"
bet you've went through this before yourself

bet you've never wondered why...if everyone feels the same...why isn't anyone doing anything about it?

oh sure, you've changed.
so have i.
another new routine.
another old new day.
circles is what they call it.

and there are people like me who wait for their next big fix
some of them find them in new friends
some in new relationships
some in a new job or change of environment
some in a new pointless hobby
some in fucking someone new
some in a new TV show

and life goes on...like mine. hey, not like i'm gonna die or anything.
so what if life's a routine? as long as it's good.
or as long as i get my fix when i need it.
big big monkey everyone's a junkie.

maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
where can you run to escape from yourself
where're you gonna go?

salvation is Here.

quarter life crisis

today i went to college in a shirt and tie, black leather shoes and a real clean pressed slacks
for no particular reason
maybe i was feeling a little sentimental and missed intership
yeaaahh right
miss fernandez said i looked clinical
and i felt fine

she had nothing to teach after two hours
same...bet she had other stuff to do apart from actually preparing notes
so she asked us what were we gonna do after IACT
i realized i didn't know
i realized i wasn't prepared
and she smiled at me and asked me
so i told her i had all the answers
but now i have all the questions
and funny how my life seemed the other way around
i've never been so confused
but i felt fine

during discussions i felt purposeful, grown up
didn't know if the threads i had were helping
but in psychology i bet they would
dream interpretation today
i wondered if i would dream of things to come
but those are dreams
and maybe dreams are all they would be
but right now i was ok
i felt fine

boring technical night class on print production
and there i learnt about CMYK, plates, film, half-dot, bromide proofing and it's chromatic, wet, digital, xerox proofing, colour separation, rubber blankets, Quark and davinci, Unix, offset, diecutting and all the weird stuff (oh, yeah, spot colour)
and after that it was time to explore a new place
Borneo in the City was incredible
and in my shirt and tie, enjoying a Thai Cheese Baked Lamb Chop
i felt fine

we sent an SMS at the same time
for the first time
and the first time in the soon ending day
and i realized how soon i was going to lose her
and how soon i was going to get her back
it was a whole new future looming ahead of me
with so much responsibilities
so little time
and her around...God, i can't just leave her to starve right?
i knew what lay ahead of me
and part of me dreaded it
part of me wanted to be there
and i realized how much i had wasted my life
and how much i wanted those days, those months, those years back

all these within a simple, mundane day
(yeah, my brain is kinda fucked)

and now i don't really feel fine