Over the Brink Again

Too much has happened since the last post of mine. The more I live, the more I'm lost. Maybe not so much of losing who I am as losing track of time. Mostly I feel as though I'm looking from the outside in, running parallel to but not completely on the tracks of my existence.

Before summer started, I told myself that this is finally the chance to do something for myself. Stuff that I've always wanted to do. Little things like blogging (on a regular basis that is, if only for the sake of friends and fiends), learning to type, learning how to do guitar solos, running to One Tree Hill and back, growing some biceps (don't laugh!), learning a new accent, painting something... Stuff that since I was alone, I'd thought I'd treat myself to.

But somehow, summer life was just a whole routine of waking up, going to work, coming back home, flopping on the couch, stuffing myself with beer and pizza and falling asleep, the fat lazy ass I was. Losing a whole year.

Now the new year has come and gone, new milestones I never knew I'd reach. No new year's resolutions for me - I always break them, though somehow I do feel a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, a little bit more mature than I was yesterday. Danny always told me that I wouldn't last more than 3 months with her - we passed the 2-year mark a couple of weeks ago. I never thought I'd ever have the chance to go overseas - and here I am, an Ipoh kampung boy, 8500km from home, truly alone for the first time in my life. It still amazes me how fast time flies, and how the world is really all the same from a particular perspective.

Emotional rollercoasters abound during the summer period. I wasn't denied reprieve. It's a paradox, the human psyche. How we love to torture ourselves with pain for pleasure. How we find beauty in ugliness, and despise the pure. To live a simple life would be to deny oneself of one's own existence. And only in the fragile, yet barbed bonds we weave do we find solace in the simple company of another human being. So beautiful, so complicated. And the only reason I'm talking in metaphors is because I have no wish to be more explicit. You should know what I mean. We've all been there.

I suppose then, that the only thing I've learned over the summer was how human I am. And human I will be - procrastinating, vulnerable, growing me. Special just like everyone else.