this is my curse

tell ya'll something my roommate has told me countless times

"you always get what you want and what you wish for"

while i've never agreed, i kinda get whatever i want just as long as i want it.
but i also get what i wish for, whether i really wished for it or not.
and that's really fucked up.
remember the midas touch?

if this is some divine game, then sometimes i wish that i could just die and get it over with.
see, the irony is that i will most likely do so...

so whatevver happens to me tomorrow, know that you have touched me in some way in my life. and i'll always treasure that. i'll bring memories to heaven. or if i can still remember would that make it hell instead?

the one hit wonder

the last time i remember my life as the way i wanted it to be was sitting in the passenger seat of seng hean's car as he was sending me home. it was 2am in the morning and the street was wet with the rain from a couple hours ago. it was at that point of time i realized that this was one of the last few times i'd be able to see the cold, silent form of the Uptown Square. the smelly, dirty shithole i've called home for three years. suddenly memories started flooding back. suddenly i realised those three years have changed me so much. both for better and worse. just changed me into the person i am today.

i cried the other day when i was going through all my photos and realised how fragile life can be. not for death or life, but for the things that make up what we call death and life. i realized that people make up my life. people are my life. and the constant circle of love and hate, pleasure and pain that they bring me i realise i bring to them also. i suddenly regretted all the mistakes i've done. i somehow feel they've perpetuated another cycle, changed someone's life, possibly forever.

do you believe in the chaos theory? the fractal science that has its principle based on the thought that miniscule matters can change the outcome of a universal process. every single thing people do changes the dynamics of life. a wrong decision, as small as it is, escalates into something out of proportion. i live in the constant fear that my mistakes, which aren't miniscule, change people's lives for the worst. especially people who have loved me and whom i have loved. i feel so selfish. i feel as though i've condemned people to die while i chose to save my own skin.

i've never fought in my life. if i were in a fight i think i'll drop after the first punch. but i've been a greater coward in life. i've been the greatest coward in love. the day i learn to be brave, the day i find my hero's welcome in someone's arms will be the day i'll gladly say i've lived life good, and i've lived life well.

today is the first day in the next phase of my life. i'm now officially a boy stuck in the body of an adult. the doors to the arena are opening and i'm already peeing in my pants. the day i find my strength i'll tell the world how i found the courage to say sorry.