ash

when you're haunted by your past your present doesn't really matter

someone told me a few days ago
"whenever i talk to you i still get that deep twisting feeling inside"
i wanted to tell her i felt the exact same way
it caught me by surprise because i blamed myself for feeling that way
the knowledge that she felt the same made me feel a little better
it doesn't mean anything, i don't hope for anything
i don't want to hope for anything and i don't want anything either

it's just a residue of the past
a learned behaviour brought upon by a conditioned stimulus
no one can help it, it's an automatic feeling
maybe that's how i feel mortal
and still alive

it starts with a sudden longing, a sadness of things gone by
the cognition of a time where once two shared one life
it goes from the head to the heart
tearing your emotions slowly
until it reaches a part in your chest
where you feel your heart start to contract
and contract and contract
until you can hardly breathe and you feel short of breath
an emotional pain so real you can really believe it's physical
when some poet started the phrase "you broke my heart"
i bet he really felt that way
no wonder the ancients thought that the heart stored the emotions
for it is there we feel the most pain




there are many times i have been gripped by this sudden contraction
a recognition of a familiar face
old photographs
an e-mail
an unplanned chat
an SMS
a short hello
an ex-girlfriend

to know you once had a life much different from now
not happier or sadder
but comfortable in a different sort of way
to try and recall
to dig deep for hidden memories
to think of intimate moments
and to think of how they ended
would all seem a dream if not for the crippling contraction in my chest that reminds me they were real
all real, very very real
and very very deep down in my past

when the fire dies down, all you have left are the ashes